Sunday, December 18, 2005

a year approaches

I wait for markers of time to reflect on change.
a new journal
a new year
a feeling that today is the day I get to start something new.

This is my 199th post...

I was having tea with my acupuncturist on Thursday. She told me that her philosophy /view on life is that it's a process of loss and that "nothing is too important to lose." She said, "I'm prepared to lose everything--my family, my job, my clinic--everything." Since I would define myself as a collector of sorts, this was profound.

I'm forgetful, so I collect evidence of experiences, people, and places to remind me that I knew/had them. I'd say that life is more like a process of collecting (experiences of loss included). I have an awkward relationship with the idea of attachment. I'm aware of what it does, but I don't reject it--or at least not nearly as often as I should. I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm in love with Seoul (and please don't tell NYC that I'd even go so far as to even speak of such a thing), but my new attachment is with this place the things and people I've come to know here. It has developed on top of the already existent attachment I had built for all the things and people I knew before I came here. Moreover, a layer of new attachment has grown over the self I knew before I came here. Has this place changed me? Am I different(how could I not be)? Am I ready to let go of that previous self? To reunite with that self? To contrast that self with the one who will be coming back to Asia?

I arrived in Korea on December 27th, 2004. I'm going home on the 24th... for a visit. How strange that feels. How good that feels. This particular concoction of excitement and anxiety is foreign. My anticipation leaves me restless at night imagining, planning, going over details, and giving myself reminders in my dreams. I dreamed that I forgot my passport at home. I dreamed of a hug I've been longing and waiting for--long and close. I dreamed I survived a building collapse--reminding me that no matter what happens, I'll be okay(right?).

I'm anticipating exhaustion, love, comfort, joy, difficulty leaving again, and a view of the change in me through the eyes of all the people I haven't seen in far too long. I've lost a year with these people and "home," while I gained more that I could have ever expected only for me.

The countdown begins... until the next marker. So now, I'm just drinking wine, and wastin' time 'till I get to be in the moments my mind has been intoxicated by.

No comments: