Friday, December 02, 2005

failure

Today was great. Significant. Worthy of notice and remembrance. Today was the day I signed a contact for a job to work at a university in Seoul. This feels like an accomplishment. I got something I deeply desired and talked about for a long time.

I walked out of the gates of the University the way I walked down 5th Avenue after saying goodbye to my parents when they dropped me off at NYU. Then, I had said to myself, "This is my city now." I felt that I had made it. I reached the place I wanted to be. That feeling is fresh, hopeful, confident, and rare.

On the day of graduation I felt it too, but it was different. I was 23 getting my master's degree. I've said it before, it was the single most exciting and simultaneously the most frightening moment of my life. I had attained something I felt was great and felt the overwhelming pressure of having to do something significant and worthwhile next. I would have to continue to achieve or I'd die from the thought that I'd wasted all that time, effort, and money I and other people had invested in me.

I didn't gracefully move into a high paying glamorous job, lifestyle, and a fabulous apartment to go with it. Instead, my year in Brooklyn was spent grieving. I was mourning my previous existence and my old life. I had died a bit, actually a lot, and I simply existed. When I wasn't numb, I didn't feel much other than regret. Regret is the worst feeling to hold in your heart.

And upon reaching this place and time in my life, I walk forward, remembering my greatest failures and moments of rejection(an eight foot bubblegum machine, an attempt at being a curator, a pathetic public access show). I hope that I truly learned from them. I remember all the moments when I felt so immensely "less than" and humiliated. I look to the ways I eventually picked myself up after being dragged along on my face and hope that this won't turn into a situation where that will be necessary.

3 comments:

zachille o'neal said...

word. profound. aren't you quite a teacher?

Kurios1978 said...

*patontheback! Well done.

LC said...

mazel tov! we should correspond soon... sounds like a lot is going on! :)