Wednesday, October 05, 2005

penultimate

I'm that girl. For those who think they are fantastic as a player, those just having fun, those who are being "free" in the grey area of undefined or short-term relationships, I'm the one who makes them question. And the next girl... she's the one who always reaps the benefits.

I'm the penultimate lady. The one right before they meet "the one," the one right before the one they get married to, or get into a serious long-term relationship with. I'm not the big love, I'm that one right before. It's happened to me over and over.

At first, I'm content with simply enjoying these people. I'm easily intoxicated by infatuation and the getting-to-know-you stage. In these exciting times I get involved, attached, but meanwhile all the worthwhile experiences never add up to or progress into something that is ever defined as a relationship. And then it fizzles, all traces of the romantic involvement quickly dissolve. What I'm left with is just another has been to add to my list. I gain EXs regularly, though it's been years since I've been anyone's girlfriend. This is a pattern I'm no longer comfortable with. I guess I just want to be that next girl. I want to feel something real instead of the longing for it and the confusion that exists in the meanwhile.

Whatever. I don't need any of it. I don't need relationships. I don't need to be dating. I don't need any of the undefined nonsense. I don't need the unending long term on-again-off-again drama or one night stands for that matter. I don't need the games.

I can get past not being someone's girlfriend. I could be celibate (but why would I do that?), but I crave the affection like crazy. I want that adoration, the gentle intimacy. Otherwise, I just want to balance my alone time with time socializing with friends.

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