Saturday, February 12, 2005

I'm gonna put on my eatin' dress

I've been wondering what will come of all this eating. The nightmare I have starts with me waking up one day, I look in the mirror and my butt is the size of China. I ask myself "How could this be?? You turned into an obese American in Asia?!?" I raise my hands to the sky, then grab the thick mounds of flesh hanging off my body and scream "DAMN YOU CHOCOPIE! HOTTUCK MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS TURNED! BAD SNACKS! BAD SNACKS! AHHH!!!"

Then, recently I noticed I do look a little thicker around the middle. I was sure that I had put on some pounds, at least 5 to 7 by the way I felt, but I don't have a scale so I didn't know. This wasn't very disturbing. In fact, I'd hoped to EVENLY distribute a few pounds to get me through the evil freezing cold winter in Korea.

When I visited the bath house, which was fabulous, they had a scale. It
read 43.3 kg., and it turns out that I still weight around 95 lbs. I may have gained half a pound.


Adam said...

hey darling, I started a blog just so I could tell you how fabulous you are. I have to admit, the first time I read your blog I was like, "that girl better be careful, or else she might accidentally eat herself into a linda chan-like stupor", but then I realized if there was one person who could put on 20-30 pounds and still look sexy, it's you. I know what you mean about the bath houses, tomorrow I'm going with my new boy to a gay hot spring on the side of a mountain; if anyone in this world can relate to my trashy asian adventures, you be the one. I'm dead serious about coming up to see you around october or november, we'll tear Seoul a new DMZ. If the eating gets to be too much, think about joining the California Fitness Center in Myong Dong, I joined one of their Taiwan clubs last year, it kept all the hotpot and fried chicken from going to my ass (you know how it is with jewish asses, they keep on growing like the deficit, oy!)


Adam said...

darling, I had the most fantastic experience, went to a japanese style 溫泉/onsen, which is a natural hot spring channeled into a limestone lined heated pool, a cold pool, and a warm pool with aqua-massage jets, I felt high, honestly, I was fucking rolling, it was great. I was with the hottest guy I've ever been naked with, why don't you respond to my posts?

wishing I was with you in Korea,


misskoco said...

Well, darling, I'm glad we share a love for the bath house, but I must say that the Jim-Jil-Bang is more than just a bath house. It's all kinds of fun rolled into one fabulous place.

It was quite an experience, somewhat like falling down a rabbit hole and ending up on another planet where you're surrounded by naked Asian ladies. I walked up to the front desk on the first floor and paid my W5,000 (like $5). The woman hands me two pink towels, a pair of pink shorts, and a pink and grey t-shirt. The women went upstairs in one elevator and men went up in the other.

The doors opened on the 3rd floor to a small quiet room filled with little lockers for your shoes. I took out the key to the shoe locker and proceeded through the double doors.

All the sudden it was like HELLO! NAKED ASIAN WOMEN! ALL AROUND! ALL AGES SHAPES AND SIZES! There are screaming kids running around with their moms and grandmothers with their teenage granddaughters and young friends just hanging out. There's a woman at the counter where they sell all kinds of crazy things--body scrubs, face masks, razors, shampoo, bras and underwear, juice, coffee, and strangely enough baked eggs. This makes sense to Koreans. You're supposed to eat eggs when you go to the bath house. Why? No one seems to know why, just because(I'm finding that this is a common answer to many of my questions. "What is that?" I'll ask, pointing to some kind of mystery food. The reply always seems to be along the lines of "It's good. Have some.").

Okay, okay. I digress. I give the key to the woman and she gives me another key to a big locker where I put my clothes and things. I find my locker. I'm telling myself that this is going to be great, all is good. NEW EXPERIENCES. NEW EXPERIENCES. I put my clothes in the locker.

I'm naked. I'm trying to act like I'm not, but I am... but so is everyone else. I'm trying to act like it's all in my head that everyone is looking at me... but they actually are. Two little girls are pointing at the birthmark on my butt and then covering their face with their hands and giggling before they run away. The old women are watching me like hawks. I imagine they're saying "What's this crazy foreigner doing?" I'm watching everyone for clues. What do I do next?

I walk into the spa area and it's like walking into some heavenly place. There are several large baths with women sitting around scrubbing themselves and each other. Along the wall to my left there are sinks and mirrors where you sit on a small stool and scrub with all the crazy little packages you can buy from the lady at the counter. Along the wall to my right there are three steam rooms of different temperatures. The walls are tiled with pretty rocks so it looks like your on the inside of a geode. There is a waterfall in front of me pouring into the coldest pool. One pool has jets for your back and feet and another has a mineral solution. The rest of the room has showers.

Outside of the spa there is a bathroom, a smoking room, and a sleeping room. Upstairs in the common room for men and women to hang out in their little shorts set there are all types of fabulous things. The huge main room is heated from the floor and really cozy. Everyone is laying around. Some people are sleeping, some are reading, some kids are chasing each other. They had a huge television on the wall showing a soccer match. The side rooms included an exercise room (complete with one of those old fashion things that giggles your fat around. One little boy went in with his grandmother and she put it on his butt and it was hilarious watching them get a kick out of themselves.) where children were running around wild, a pc room, a restaurant, an ice cream spot, cold rooms, a cafe, and a sports massage parlor.

Then, they had four sauna rooms of varying temperatures. Oh it was so good. I stayed for four hours just relaxing, drinking tea, writing in my journal, etc. Oh, such good times at the jim-jil-bang.

misskoco said...

PS. I wish you were here too. We'd go out for soju and beer and eat like there's no tomorrow, then we could go see what kind of trouble we could get ourselves into--or at least go find some queens to play with.

Adam said...

It sounds really similar to the 浴場 that they had in Northeastern China which I would occassionally go to when I lived in Harbin. But these places sound a lot nicer and better fitted out.

I remember one time my female friend went to the 浴場 after her hot water heater gave out, she walked into the main bathing and was absolutely disgusted by the overwhelming stench of decaying fish flesh. She was like, "damn, some people just don't take care of themselves in certain areas..." She stayed for a while, hoping the smell would dissapate but instead it got stronger and stronger. She was about to exit the main bathing pool, disgusted to be sharing the same water with someone who had such a funky smelling nana, when she noticed a naked woman squatting by a far end of the bathing room, scaling some fish for dinner.

That's one of the key differences between life in Asia and back at home: No matter where you go, there's seafood.

The first time I went to Korea, I picked up some strange guy in an alley behind Kyongbukgong , took him back to my room, then decided to kick him out, only to realize the next morning that he left behind a backpack that was emitting the most foul odor, stinking up the whole room. I opened the back and found a partially eaten preserved fish happily rotting away in the main pocket. That was when I decided I needed to leave Asia for a while.